Self-Love:
If there is one concept that comes up in my therapy sessions over and over again, it’s the perception of control. Learning to determine what is within our control and outside of our control is a skill that we must all practice diligently throughout our lives in an effort to help manage and maintain positive mental health. If we’re constantly seeking to change what is out of our control or submit to accepting things that we can feasibly improve, we end up spinning in circles chasing the wrong expectations and outcomes in our lives. Christians have summed this conceptualization up pretty nicely in what they refer to as The Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
If learning about control is one of the top therapeutic skills, than the biggest forms of control we must accept as something we cannot change is within our relationships and expectations of others. We are unable to control how other people think, feel, behave, and communicate. Learning to express ourselves towards those around us in a way that represents who we are as an individual, our values, and our needs is the only thing we can control. We can control how we choose to respond to others, but have no way of interfering with how they react and respond to us.
All of that to say that when we speak of love on this Valentine’s Day, we can recognize self-love to be one of the most important forms of love. The act of loving another is beautiful, but how can we fully recognize and experience love in its purest form if we don’t build a bond of love and kindness towards ourselves? How can we expect others to love us, if we ourselves struggle to view ourselves as being deserving of love?
Loving ourselves does not mean we have to love all of our characteristics, behaviors, etc. It means accepting our flaws, committing to continued self-awareness, developing a life-long practice to learn and grow, and recognizing that who we are in our entirety is much greater than the equivalency of all of our parts.
The Queen of self-love, Lizzo, phrases it perfectly for me,
“In case nobody told you today
You’re special
In case nobody made you believe
You’re special
Well, I will always love you the same
You’re special
I’m so glad that you’re still with us
Broken, but damn, you’re still perfect”
So, on this day dedicated to love, give yourself as much love, kindness, and grace as you do everyone else. If you find the idea of being celebrated today through flowers, candy, balloons, or a quiet night at home super appealing, don’t hope for someone else to shower you with love, celebrate yourself! You deserve it. You are worth it. You are loved.